50 Ways to Love Your Limo

52 Photo Quest Challenges for 2012 Free Photo Course

2011-12-28T23:56:00.002-04:00

52 Photo Quest Challenges for 2012 Join with PhotoQuest101 Photographers to learn and share new ideas and techniques in the coming New Year! This is the Free year-long photo enrichment course that gives you everything you need in a fun, relaxed format.
Learn more and start your Photo Quest at http://www.meetup.com/photoquest101/events/45790082/

WEEK 1 - REFLECTIONS

52 Photo Quest Challenges for 2012

Join with PhotoQuest101 Photographers to learn and share new ideas and techniques in the coming New Year!

52 Photo Quest Challenges for 2012 presents you with a series of practical and conceptual photo experiments to sharpen your technical and creative skills. Each week brings a different challenge that requires a unique, creative and conceptual approach to the problem at hand.

This is not a contest; it is a classroom without walls. These are self-directed exercises and you will be sharing your results online with other group members. You will offer comments, compliments & critique on their photos and they on yours.

There is no right or wrong answer. Think way outside the box or create a universal iconic image. This course is designed to keep you thinking, shooting, learning, sharing, handling your camera and analyzing images every week throughout the year. It is also easy to participate in, especially for those of us with busy, distracted lives.

Photographers of every level will improve skills and confidence as these challenges are completed. You will enjoy seeing your photos each week alongside the work of other PhotoQuest101 group members and learning from their creative flair and technical prowess.

The $625 Cookbook - and worth every penny!

2011-12-28T15:52:00.001-04:00

Don't believe me? Check out the overwhelming reader reviews. I have it on my wish list, so if you get one for yourself, how about getting one for me? Oh, look at this! It's on sale!

Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cookingby Nathan Myhrvold (Hardcover)
4.5 out of 5 stars

(54)

$625.00$448.94
In Stock.Offered by Amazon.com

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS! by Warren Buffet

2011-10-19T14:31:00.000-04:00

Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the
best quotes about the debt ceiling:

"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just
pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more
than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible
for re-election".

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds)
took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple!
The people demanded it. That was in 1971 - before computers, e-mail,
cell phones, etc.
Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took one (1) year
or less to become the law of the land - all because of public pressure.

Warren Buffet is asking each addressee to forward this E-mail to
a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask
each of those to do likewise.

In three days, most people in The United States of America will
have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed
around.

_*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*_

1. No Tenure / No Pension.

A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.

2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social
Security.

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.

4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.

6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.

7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.

Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.

If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will
only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive
the message. Don't you think it's time?

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!

If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, just delete.
You are one of my 20+ - Please keep it going, and thanks.

Lehigh Valley Photo Club Gets Inside the Gate at NJ Hot Air Balloon Festival

2011-08-04T08:45:00.001-04:00

Enjoy a few minutes of in-the-gate, up-close video clips and photo stills by Director of photo club Meetup.com/PhotoQuest101 at the New Jersey Hot Air Balloon Festival 2011 in Warren County

Limo Driver at Newark

2008-07-28T09:10:00.003-04:00

So I was just snapping some limos in the parking lot at Newark Liberty International and this guy walks over with his passengers looking a little worried, like "Why is this guy taking photographs of my limo?"

So I explained that I like to take photos of limos and I offered to take his photo with the limo. That brought a big smile to his face, as you can see. I retouched the original image and did it old-fashioned style. I like it! What do YOU think?

Midnight Party in the Stretch Hummer

2008-02-19T01:46:00.034-04:00

It's bad enough when my passengers call me 'Hey Driver' but when they start yellin' "Yo, niggah! pull over, we gotta piss!"--then you gotta earn some respect.

The call is for the Hummer Stretch (partial interior view shown at right) for a 10:00 pm pickup in the Valley heading to Philadelphia-- ninety minutes away.

Somebody's Baby is putting close to $1000 on her plastique for this rig for the Birthday Boy and she ain't even ridin the hog! Momma says "I'm just goin to sleep. I can't come along cause I'm pregnit".

The cast 'n crew doesn't really sport the Major Bling, but hey! when all the Bro's 'n Ho's cut the tab it's only about $75 apiece for the sweetest ride in town.

No rushing these Bad Boys. Pickup is at ten and I'm parked outside, lights on from 9:45 but no one steps into the ride until well after midnight.

"Where to?" I ask. They shout out the name of a fine dining establishment in the cit-ay.
"Strange", I think to myself. "This place will be closed by the time we get there. And they sure won't get in there dressed and acting like they are. Maybe there's an after-hours club nearby. Not my prob. Not my job". I slide up the Privacy Partition and cruise on down the road. They hollah and we pull over for a couple six-packs of Red-Bull.

The music is bangin, the reefer is seepin through to the cab. I roll down the window to clear the air. It's nice driving the big, black stretch hummer. It definitely attracts a certain crowd. Last time I drove this beast I had to call the cops on my peeps. I hate when that happens, but the anger violence just got way over the line. They were disrespecting each other. And the vehicle. And me.

The cops found two guns in the back. I had them everyone kicked out, except for the ones that got away and ran out the back when they saw the red & blues down the block. "Driver! Get outta here! Just go!", they hollered.

"Sorry, I got a red light here".

A week later there was a triple homicide--execution style--young women murdered in cold blood--on the block where I picked these hip-hop executives up.

But that was then. Tonight was fine dining in Philadelphia.Yeah, right.

It's bad enough when my passengers call me 'Hey Driver' instead of my real name, but when they start yellin' "Yo, niggah! pull over, we gotta piss!" and "What the fuck is wrong wit dis niggah, tell him to stop the fuckin' car or I'm gonna piss right here!"--then you gotta earn some respect.

I hit the main power switch to the rear compartment. No twinkly lights. No more thumpin music. I calmly but clearly announced that I would pull over as soon as I could find a safe and legal spot to park.

"Just pull over right here!" they demanded.
"Sorry, I can't do that", I replied.
"Why not? Just pull over on the shoulder so we can take a leak!"
"I can't legally stop here, and it would be unsafe", I answer.

Fortunately there's a pull-off ahead. I pull off, but need to back up to get into the space. The rear door opens, the cabin lights go on. I hit the power switch again and yell as loud as I can, "Get back in the car and close the door until the vehicle stops! I have to back up and I don't want to run over anybody!" They get back in, I back up and they get back out to piss.

A woman comes up the aisle to my window and says, "Are you alright?"
"Sure!" I answer. "What do you mean, am I all right? I'm fine!"
"Well you pulled off the road all crazy. What you drinking? You must be drinking something! What you drinking? "
"How dare you!" I answer. "Next time these guys need a rest stop they can wait until I get to a real rest stop!"
"Don't mind her", another guy tells me. "She's drunk!"
No kidding.

The night was a little rough, but no one got hurt. We didn't manage to get out of the cit-ay without being surrounded by cop cars and having my passengers questioned about their activities, but I'll tell you more another time.

I didn't get home until 9:00 am. I'm tired.

Y'all have fun, now, Y'hear?

Making Matters Worse--Last Minute Schedules

2008-02-05T19:53:00.001-04:00

My friends and family often have a hard time coming to grips with the last minute and constantly changing nature of my schedule as a limo driver.

If a plane is rerouted or delayed I have to be flexible in order to accommodate the passenger. If the bachelor party or Atlantic City bash goes on four hours overtime, then I like to accommodate my passengers. If the office calls with a last minute trip and it looks worth my time, I’ll often apologize for my change of plans and take the work.

But tonight was really a winner!

I was already scheduled and confirmed over 24 hours in advance for a 12:45 AM trip; EWR to Nazareth, PA. I had to forgo some party plans with a (very sweet) new friend, in order to get some sleep for the late-night journey. But, hey! It’s work.

The office dispatcher calls me around 5:00 PM and asks if I would also like add another trip at 3:30 AM from Allentown to PHL.

I say,"‘Sure".

About ten minutes later the dispatcher calls me again and asks if I would like to skip the second trip and instead do a 5:45 AM pickup in NYC going to Allentown.

“5:45 AM? That’s not my best time of day. Let me have just five minutes to make a clear decision. I don’t want to agree to something I’ll regret”.

Easy decision. It may not feel great, but it’ll look good on the paycheck. I called back within two minutes and to claim the additional NYC trip.

The dispatcher says, “Well, you said you didn’t want it because it was too far.”

“I never said anything like that. Did you give it to someone else already? You said you would give me five minutes to make a decision.”

“Look, we got 55 trips for tomorrow. I'm trying to get this done. Here, I have something even better for you. How about a 4:45 AM pick up at EWR?”

“No thanks!" I say. "I don’t want to be standing around the terminals at EWR at 5:00 in the morning. I have a doctor appointment at 1:30 and by the time I get back I’ll only get 3 hours sleep.”

“Don’t sleep”, he says. “Just have some coffee and stay awake until after your doctor appointment.”

“No thanks, I have to be well-rested for a 10:00 PM request at Newark after that.”

After putting me on hold and conferring with another dispatcher in the office he says, “OK, we’ll put you on the original 12:45 AM EWR and the 5:45 AM NYC. I’m going to confirm you on this now. You want it?”

“YES!”

“OK. You got it!”

A few minutes later the phone rings again.

“OK, Chris. This is the last time I’m gonna call you.”

“That’s good”, I say, “because I’m going to turn off my phone in a few minutes and get some rest.”

“Good idea, now listen—you have two choices. One, we can put you on the two Newark back-to-backs that you originally had. Or two, we can keep you on the 12:45 AM Newark and the 5:45 AM NYC pickup. Or—you can just do the NYC and skip both Newarks. Or—you can just do–nothing.”
I realize he's not only a great dispatcher, but is also good with numbers.
“Well let’s just keep it the way you confirmed it: 12:45 Newark and 5:45 NYC.”

"But", he says, “I’d like to keep those two Newarks back-to-back.”

“OK, if you have them both covered, I’ll just do the NYC.”

“OK, you want just the NYC?”

“OK, as long as you got the two Newarks covered.”

“I got them covered.”

“Great! Then I’ll get some sleep and do the NYC at 5:45 AM. Right? I have nothing tonight and nothing else in the morning, just the 5:45 NYC right?”

“You got it! All set!”

“Good. I’m going to get some sleep.”

Not so fast. This isn't Staples. It isn't that easy. My phone rings again a few minutes later. This time it’s a different dispatcher. I think the first guy got embarrassed at all the--umm--what would you call it? He sends in a woman for the final kill.

“Hey Chris, we can’t give you that New York pickup because another driver was requested for it", she says.

Now this is very strange! The trip sheet they emailed to me says it’s a large corporate account with the corporate grunt staying at the glorious Holiday Inn Express. After more than a dozen years driving and dispatching, and consulting on limo transport marketing, I can assure you that it is extremely rare for these types of accounts to request a particular driver. We’re little more than a glorified cab service for them. They really don’t give a damn who the hell picks up the corporate grunt[1] from the Holiday Inn Express at 5:45 in the morning.

So now after all this confusion, chaos and interruption of my personal time, and waste of my cell phone minutes; the dispatchers are outright lying to me. Oh they have it all together in there.

I’m not surprised.

“We can give you the two Newark trips, though”, she says.

“No thanks, let’s just forget the whole thing. I just got like 16 reschedules in the past 20 minutes. My head is spinning. I’ll just take the day off."

[1] The passenger really is just a corporate grunt as a no-returns Google search quickly reveals.

Happy 30th Anniversary Rick & Leslie!

2008-02-03T15:03:00.001-04:00

Congratulations and Happy THREE-OH! WhooHoo!
I snagged this lovely couple around 11:00 pm last night at JFK on the way back from St. Thomas and whisked them away in a sleek black stretch limo for a smooth ride home.

Here they are with another pair of traveling companions, tired but still glowing from the journey, wondering where the heck their luggage is. "My bag is so cute", pouted Leslie, I'll bet they kept it!" And cute it was! But with Leslie's name beautifully embroidered on it, it arrived right where it belonged.

Thirty years and still in love! Congratulations!

Mariah Carey's Younger Twin

2008-01-29T16:31:00.001-04:00

CHECK THE 10-SECOND VIDEO AT BOTTOM FOR Mariah's twin (pictured at right)! Tell me if you agree! Everyone who sees this charming girl says Oh! Is that Mariah Carey?

Here is some video and photos that I captured from a Prom I did at St Demetrius in Carteret, New Jersey, June of 2007. They are all beautiful and polite and wonderful youngsters. They had a great time.

And while all the moms were shooting the kids--I was shooting the moms!

If you know any of these kids, please send them a link to this page! Professional quality prints and other shots are available

Go ahead! Do this at home! Crack your skull open. See if I care.

2008-01-28T03:17:00.000-04:00

Yes, I was the driver. I went to pickup a group of very nice young men from a fine neighborhood near the west end of Allentown who were going to a concert in Philadelphia. Before they got in the car they asked me if one of the could 'Skitch' on the limo.

"Skitch?", I asked. "Yeah", they explained. "Skateboard Hitch-hiking." Well, that made perfect sense.

"Well, you can do the skitch but one of you has to shoot the video -- with my camera!"

And at this speed it wasn't nearly as risky as the time I cut a dozen quick donuts in a superstretch limo on the ice in Erv's parking lot off of Airport Road. Damn! I wish I could have got some video of that!

Limo Ride to Nowhere

2008-01-21T00:15:00.001-04:00

The BIGGEST LIMO and the BEST LIMO COMPANY won't do you any good unless you have the right limo driver.

Don't be bashful, don't be shy. We're all adults here, aren't we?

Enjoy your Private Party or Love-Fest in a sweet, sexy limo, with tinted windows, banging stereo sound, a clean soft comforter and some big fluffy pillows for your relaxation and pleasure.

Bring your favorite music and beverages, some chocolates and flowers and be ready for a long slow ride to nowhere. Professional. Confidential. Let me help you plan the ride of your life. Complimentary Condoms!

One of the Benefits of Being the Limo Driver

2008-01-02T12:31:00.001-04:00

And the Happiest 2008 to You Darlings who had a Most Wonderful New Year's Eve and also insisted on posing affectionately with their handsome and grateful driver...

I think they all had a great time.

Dump those guys! I still love you! All of you! See you next year!

Stars, Stripes and Skates 2007

2007-10-14T00:55:00.001-04:00

I have a nice little arrangement with the office. I'll do the late night trips if they don’t wake me up before noon. Four in the morning is when I usually finish work, not start. But something told me to break out of my comfort zone when I was offered a 14 hour trip starting at 4:30 a.m. starting in a Philadelphia suburb going to Corona Park in Flushing, NY.

“Sure”, I said. “I’ll take that one”. I had been to Corona Park a few years earlier for the U.S. Tennis Open. I got some of my favorite photos there. My paperwork said something about an ice skating venue. I slept Friday night, woke up at midnight, had coffee and an omelet and drove to somewhere in or around Philadelphia, thank you, GPS! Standing in a darkened driveway, I called the office and asked if maybe they got the a.m. and p.m. mixed up. "Are you sure this isn't supposed to be 4:30 pm to 2:30 am?

Not a minute after I called, I was met by an attractive woman, a dark-haired teenage boy and a pretty young girl excitedly approaching my car in the dark dragging a Zuca bag with flashing wheels.

I soon learned that 10 year-old Alexandria was going to dress rehearsal for the 6^th annual Stars, Stripes and Skates performance, a dazzling production on ice, produced by the Heritage Foundation of 9/11; a non-profit organization whose mission is to keep the memory and meaning of 9/11/01 alive in the minds and hearts of current and future generations of young people throughout America. To do this, they produce first-class ice shows that tie together all of these messages, objectives and conceptions.

Olympic medalists, French Philippe Candeloro and Russian Oksana Baiul were scheduled to perform with the children, hundreds of whom would descend on the World’s Fair Ice Rink from many states around, with flashy smiles, flashing Zuca bags, flashy costumes and flashy moves on the ice.

Speaking of flashing… Gasps and Ooohs! erupted from the startled the crowd of men, women and children; some in dismay and some in delight; when Candeloro stripped down to his black briefs without warning or drama in a very quick costume change move--nothing you couldn't see at the local swimming pool. Unfortunately for you, my flash button was too slow to capture the excitement, but I did get a shirtless shot of Philippe from that moment.

The energy and excitement were pervasive throughout the arena. The show promises to be a real thrill. Here are a few casual snaps from the moment.

Larger high-resolution prints and other images not posted here may be ordered here by contacting the artist. All photos (C) 2007 C. Cross, Lehigh Valley, PA.

Please Do Not Push Hard On Buttons!

2007-10-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

(Click for larger image)

It says here that the limo has Hard On Buttons! But you're not supposed to push them. I wonder why? I guess that could be distracting while driving ... like talking on a cell phone ...

So, if YOU have a hardon for a hot limo and great night out, please Do Not Push Hard On Buttons Simply click the Lehigh Valley Limo . com link to arrange for a night to remember.

How about a law requiring drivers to have both hands on the wheel while driving!!!

2007-10-10T22:34:00.000-04:00

It's OK to have a law requiring people to buckle up in a car, but I always thought it would make a lot more sense to have a law requiring drivers to have both hands on the wheel while driving!!!

Now we're getting a step closer. Pennsylvania finally figured out what New York and New Jersey knew a long time ago.

Stand on a street corner some day in Pennsylvania and count. You will most likely find the MAJORITY of drivers are engaged in a cell phone conversation with a far-away look in their eyes. Click the header below to read The Act

AN ACT of the Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes, prohibiting operators from using handheld mobile telephones.

§ 3316. Prohibiting use of handheld mobile telephones.

a) General rule.--Except as provided in subsection (b), no driver shall operate any moving vehicle on a highway of this Commonwealth, which shall include Federal, State and municipal highways, while using a handheld mobile telephone.

INVION GPS-4V1- My Guardian Angel

2007-09-27T00:25:00.000-04:00

SUPPORTPLUS NORTHAMERICA, INC
LAKE FOREST CA 92630 USA

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Re: RMA for INVION GPS-4V1

Dear Sir or Madam:

As a full-time professional limousine driver, and director of the Lehigh Valley Limousine Driver’s Association, I find the InVion GPS-4V1 to be an incredible value. It provides genuine safety and a feeling of security. It provides on-the-fly convenience, precious time and fuel savings as well as education and entertainment, via the MP3 and MP4 playback features.

I cannot recommend the InVion GPS-4V1 highly enough. In fact, I have encouraged the owner of the company I work to purchase several of these same units for distribution to other drivers. He was so pleased that I had purchased this unit, knowing that his customers would be better served, that he gave me $100! I LOVE my InVion GPS-4V1!

The unit works great. The first time I used it on the job; I was dropping off passengers in an unfamiliar rural area. It was raining heavily. It was foggy. And it was late at night. I was lost!

Although I had previously mapped out my return to the garage, it was so dark, rainy and foggy that I couldn’t tell which direction I was going! I could barely even see the yellow line in the middle of the road! I was more than worried.

Imagine my comfort when a soothing voice spoke to me and said, “Turn right in 100 yards. Turn right, now.” It seemed like a miracle! As my INVION GPS-4V1 guided me through the rainy fog and darkness directly to the main highway I started calling it ‘my guardian angel’.

Well, why not? It was up in the heavens keeping an eye out for me and guiding me safely home through the darkness!

My youngest son started college this year. When I showed him my INVION GPS-4V1, he said, “This is something I really need!” I asked, “Why? You don’t even drive!” He showed me that you can set it for biking and hiking!

When we saw the built-in FM tuner I was so excited to think it functioned as a radio. I was disappointed when the radio wouldn’t play. Then, quite by accident I discovered the it wasn’t an FM receiver, but an FM transmitter!

I immediately purchased several SD cards and began transloading my audiobooks and mp3s to them. It was great fun and great value in listening to them while on long drives.

The INVION GPS-4V1 is well-designed and well-constructed. It functions flawlessly. Unfortunately, the SD card isn’t quite so durable. One day several weeks ago I carefully removed the InVion card and swapped it for another SD card with music for the trip. While placing the InVion SD card in its’ case, using only slight pressure, I heard a crack. One of the thin blue fins over the gold contacts gave way and my InVion was never to work again.

I was very upset and called your office. I spoke with Katie who was very knowledgeable and helpful. She told me I would be able to receive a new SD card with a free upgrade.

Sorry to ramble on, but I could go on for hours about this great piece of equipment. Thank you very much!

Yours truly,

http://Limo-Zine.blogspot.com
http://www.LehighValleyLimo.com
http://www.LehighValleyBridals.com

Good News! Only13,470 DUI Deaths in 2006!

2007-08-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

...The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were 13,470 deaths in 2006 involving drivers and motorcycle operators with blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher, which is the legal limit for adults throughout the country.

The number was down slightly from 2005, when 13,582 people died in crashes involving legally drunk drivers...

Wahoo! Now that's progress!

Hint: Hire a limo driver!

Read the whole story HERE

LehighValleyLimo.com

2007-08-02T01:48:00.001-04:00

Another great way to get your limo fix!
Celebs, Ultra-Stretches, Navigators, Escalades, Hummers,
Exotic Travel, Real Estate, Models,
Contests, Prizes, Inside Information & More!
Get With It!

Feeling Blue? Take a Limo and Call Me in the Morning!

2007-08-01T22:24:00.002-04:00

One day last month I was scheduled to pick up an absolutely charming young couple of school teachers on their return to the Philadelphia airport from their honeymoon in Punta Cana. Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Dean, of Wind Gap, PA! In all the excitement, I didn't get photos of you!

I was planning to leave Allentown a few hours early to visit a friend in Philly before my pickup--one of the perks of driving limos.

There was a last minute request, however, and I was asked to take the CEO of ROMIK, Inc. _____getname_____, and his niece, _____getname_____, who were visiting from Spain to the Philly airport. The change in schedule effectively ruined my personal plans for the day. you can hardly imagine how difficult it can be to make plans due to the constant changes we have to endure. I'll make that the subject of it's own post shortly.

The point of all this is not just to whine about my schedule--I like change! The point is to post the photo of the lovely _____getname_____, . OK, no, that's not it either! Well, sort of!

_____getname_____, had been admiring American stretch limousines since her arrival in this country. Mr. ___getname____, a practical executive type (who I found eating take-out pizza with his Manager, Tom Kramer and his Assistant, _____getname_____, prior to their departure from Allentown) certainly did NOT order a stretch limo for their journey to the airport, shareholders take note!

One could say it all boils down to The Law of Attraction and The Secret, as described by Rhonda Byrne in her phenomenal bestseller book and movie. The young lady who was so admiring of American stretch limos, happened to get one for her ride homeward, without even trying. I can tell you she was very excited and very happy. And so was everyone else from the CEO on down. Yep, even me!

Rights of Photographers - Photos Authorized by the Creator

2007-07-20T12:23:00.000-04:00

While waiting for a pick-up at Philadelphia International (ask me about their reputation among limo drivers!) I was approached by a uniformed man with a PARKWAY GROUND SERVICES ID Tag on his jacket.

He asked me, "Are you taking pictures of the airport?"
"I beg your pardon," I countered.

"Are you taking pictures of the airport?", he repeated, almost indignantly, as though there were a critical security breach.

You may rest assured that tens of thousands of people snap photos in and around the airports every year without special authorization or harrassment. But in these terror-tense times, I understand.

I didn't immediately answer his question. I wasn't necessarily taking pictures of 'the airport.' I was taking pictures of escalators, telephones, luggage carts, baggage carousels, taxicabs and things like that.

He asked to see my airport ID, which I produced, although I didn't need to, as he wasn't authorized to demand it. He was just a grunt for an airport vendor. Didn't carry a badge.

"Do you have permission to take photos of the airport?" he asked.

"As a matter of fact, I do!", I smiled, remembering some photos I just took upstairs in the International Arrivals Hall. ("...these unalienable rights endowed by our Creator..." it proudly proclaims on the walls in bold accented relief).

"Who said you could take pictures of the airport?", he persisted.

I didn't think he'd understand if I told him that our Creator authorized the photos, so I just said, "Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and about 50 others. You should check it out", I grinned. "It's right there on the walls, at International Arrivals, upstairs on the third floor. And it's in the United States Constitution".

It's probably a good things she has her legs crossed...

2007-07-17T20:52:00.002-04:00

This attractive, yet matronly traveler, at left, was caught unawares on my digi-cam at a popular New York area airport recently. I've enjoyed many moments wondering what, if anything, came between the soft warm flesh and the cold hard bench or how high is the hemline when she stands to hail a cab. Click the images for rude details.

Posing in my briefs at the U.S. Tennis Open
Of course, I'm not one to cast judgment. I laid in the sun on a blanket for hours, at the U.S. Tennis Open at Flushing Meadows a few years ago, wearing nothing but my Calvins without so much as a cackle or a gawk. They looked just like a pair of Speedos and covered up as much, so what's the fuss? Besides, I'm extremely attractive, too!

It's not that I wanted to perversely show off my amazingly hot bod, it's just that the temp was in the 90s and I had a full eight hours to wait in the sweltering parking lot for my passengers. I could have wandered around in the blazing sun wearing my tux, but I would have looked and smelled like a sweathog from hell by the time they returned for the ride home to Whitehall, PA.

I considered sitting in the limo for eight hours with the engine running and the AC keeping me nice and cool, but that would have drained the battery and I would have run out of gas. Furthermore, the adverse effect on global warming was preeminent in my mind. Believe it or not.

It was an interesting sociological experiment, laying out on the grass in public in my briefs. It reminded me of the old Maidenform bra ads. I tried to act normal. I had a blanket, a towel, sunglasses, a magazine and a few bottles of cold water, but there I was laying on the grass in the parking lot of Corona Park in my underwear!

People walked and rode bicycles by without a glance. Even numerous police officers passed by me on foot, on scooter, on horseback, none of whom gave me a second look.

Sometime when you think everyone is staring at you, it's nice to know that they really don't give a damn! It was a bit liberating. You should try it sometime!

A Limo to the Live Earth Concert

2007-07-15T14:25:00.000-04:00

I was assigned a limo trip to Live Earth - the global event to raise awareness of global warming. I took a beautiful 10-passenger stretch limo from a small rural town near Allentown, PA to Giant Stadium at the Meadowlands in New Jersey.

It was a hot day in July. One of my passengers drove her car from Philadelphia to Allentown where she met her traveling companion. The two of them -- yes, the two of them -- rode in spacious air-conditioned luxury for the 200+ mile round trip to the concert.

When we arrived at the concert venue, which was swarming with tens of thousands of cars, cops, security and amusement park rides, my people decided that they would rather cruise around or park for a few hours and drink in the back of the limo with the air conditioner running before entering the concert. This we did for some two and a half hours. Then we drove directly to the stadium where traffic was directed in miles of convoluted circles before I was able to drop them off.

It seems to me that what we need to help combat the gigantic problem of global warming isn't a concert, but maybe just a gigantic global air conditioner!

A Very Sweet Fifteen

2007-05-29T00:24:00.000-04:00

If a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll just shut up now and you can read the images for the story of Tasha's beautiful Sweet Fifteen Celebration. Congratulations, Tasha! It was an honor and a pleasure to be your Chauffeur for this special occasion.
All Photos © 2007 C.Cross, Lehigh Valley, PA

You kids nowadays!

2007-05-19T02:38:00.000-04:00

Click the pic for a larger view
You kids nowadays! You're SO poised and graceful and polite and beautiful and well-behaved and I'm SO jealous!

Not really! I consider myself very fortunate to have the privilege of driving each and every one of you fine young men and women--the leaders of tomorrow--to the Nazareth Area High School Junior Senior Prom.

Yes, that's the King of the Prom with the King of the Limo Drivers!

Congratulations to all of you and let me offer a genuine "Thank You!" for letting me share your success and excitement. Please remember that I want to be your personal chauffeur for each of your weddings and your parties and your children's proms and weddings, too!

Sincerely,

Chris

"I'm F*cked! Help Me!" cried the man with the fuzzy bunny ears

2007-04-17T12:49:00.000-04:00

OK, he didn't really cry. Until the next morning probably. It was however written on his fuzzy bunny ears in some kind of eerie premonition that something bad was going to happen. "I'M F*CKED! HELP ME! I'm getting Married!" was the message.

It was so cute! He wore those fuzzy bunny ears and smiled like a virgin all night long as his randy buddies plied him with drinks and lap dances and dollar bills to stuff in the panties and cleavage of the oh-so-friendly strippers at the Creekside Cabaret.

Now it was Show Time! The bouncer yelled into the microphone and called the bachelor up to the stage. Three sexy young women greeted him onstage in their clear plastic hi-heels, bouncy bare boobs and g-strings. They took him by the hand, guiding him up the steps, like they were spokesmodels on "The Wheel of Fortune".

They sat him on a chair and tied his hands over his head to a stripping pole. "Sniff the pole!" his buddies yelled!

One lovely, leggy stripper sat on his shoulders while another shook her boobs in his face and a third spread his legs and performed a mock BJ. The drinks flowed and the crowd screamed.

"OK!" the bouncer yelled after a couple of minutes, "Face on the floor; ass in the air!" They untied his hands and he laid face-down on the stage. Another sexy stripper sat down in front of him; spread her legs and slid her crotch right up into his face. "Yummy", he drooled!

"Ass in the air!" the bouncer yelled again and our eager bachelor complied. What he didn't see was two hot honeys, standing behind him, one on each side, each with a thick leather belt in her hand.

W-H-A-C-K-K-K!! goes the belt across his ass and his face recoils into her honey pot. W-H-A-C-K-K-K!! it goes again, full force as the models smile. W-H-A-C-K-K-K!! W-H-A-C-K-K-K!!they both strike his ass just seconds apart as hard as they can, and I really mean as hard as they can! Each W-H-A-C-K-K-K!! buries his face deeper into the warm moist treasure, but he's too drunk to enjoy it, understand it or remember it. And he won't feel the pain--until tomorrow.

W-H-A-C-K-K-K!! goes the belt and the girls are whacking with such force that they pause to implore the bouncer with facial gestures, "Is this OK? Can we do it again? Are we gonna really hurt this guy?", they seem to ask.

An evil grin and a gentle nod is all they needed for another couple of W-H-A-C-K-K-Ks!! He didn't feel a thing.

He enjoyed the 90-minute ride home in the luxury limousine, totally passed out. I would have hated to have those welts on my ass in the morning. I wonder if he showed them or explained what happened to his fiancee. I wonder if he was able to sit down for a week. I wonder if he saw a doctor.

Oh well, at least he had a good time!

Come Fly With Me...

2007-03-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

I've driven many executives and celebrities to Baltimore, Boston, New York and Washington, D.C. I've heard more than one of them say, "This is better than flying!"

Why? Here are just a few reasons.

Door-to-door service.
Schedule pickup to the minute 24/7 at your convenience.
No lines.
No crowds.
No parking.
No check-in.
No baggage search.
No security screen.
No fingerprints.
No long hauls to the terminal.
No taxis.
Just put on the headphones, pop open a beverage and your laptop or just close your eyes and relax.

Enjoy the affordable luxury of a professional chauffeur in a Cadillac, a Lincoln or even a stretch limo.
"This is better than flying!"

Tag Chat

2007-03-27T22:32:00.000-04:00

You can do so much more with 8 characters than you can with 7!

Who says you can't take pictures inside a casino?

2007-03-08T17:24:00.000-04:00

Of course I always respect individual privacy rights, but what's a photojournalist to do when he's totally bored and waiting for a friend in a slots parlor?

Simple--cover your camera with a sweater over your arm so the eyes-in-the-sky don't spot your shiny lens poking out, turn off the flash and grab a few shots before security nabs you and throws you out--or worse.

Actually it was easy-breezy, since the place was totally dead early Wednesday night.

Upstairs in the slots parlor you could find a bit more action, a lot more noise and a few more bodies, but the seats were less than 20% full.

Lots of penny, nickel and quarter slots were available. Tobacco users were plentiful with pipe, cigars and cigarette smokers proudly puffing away in one of the last realms of public entertainment where smoking is acceptable--for now, anyway.

Granted it was early in the week and early in the evening when I arrived, escorting a physically disabled friend to a Philadelphia doctor appointment, then off to Harrah's Essington for a few hours of--well it was fun for him--I prefer craps, blackjack or roulette--and of course that isn't available here.

Neither are fine hotel rooms. No big name--or even small name entertainment. Even the dining opportunities were pretty limited.

I had more fun sneaking shots of the casino and making digital recordings of the hypnotic chime of the slots
on my hand-held voice recorder.

The main advantage for people in the Lehigh Valley is that it's less than half as far as Atlantic City. If you enjoy slots or horses it might be worth your while. And there are plenty of excellent restaurants and night clubs nearby in and around Philadelphia to round out your evening.

If you would like to arrange a night out to Philly and need a driver, what are you waiting for? Send me an email! Sedan, van, stretch limo, Hummer, Navigator, Escalade or limo bus--We're there!

The Value of Hard Work, Study and Practice...or Murphy's Law in Action

2007-03-02T03:40:00.000-04:00

Inside a Limo Bus
Photo Services Available © C. Cross Allentown, PA 2005
This past December 2006 I put getting a CDL at the top of my New Year Resolutions. It's time to give myself a promotion and a raise. I should have done this years ago.

Without delay on Jan. 4, I rolled the dice and posted $45 for the privilege of taking two written exams; one for general knowledge and one specific to a passenger endorsement. I easily passed both tests the first time on Jan. 23, which moved me up two squares and gave me another spin: the privilege of taking a road test. The earliest available test was Feb. 22. 2/22 at 2:00.

I crammed every word of the book several times, reading it aloud for greater comprehension and retention. I went to the garage several times to get hands-on experience in a commercial vehicle. I learned to properly inspect the vehicle. I put on a hundred miles of road practice. I found a big empty parking lot and practiced parallel parking. I set up cones and did 20 sets of backward serpentines. I drove across the lot and zoomed in reverse, 20 times, stopping before a marker without touching it. I got it down!

On the day of the exam I arrived at the garage three hours early. I inspected the bus. I checked the tires, tread, inflation, lights, signals, fluids, belts, hoses, signals, clearance, fire extinguishers, fuses, brakes, handrails, and more. I had them wash it for me.

The parking brake was weak. I got the mechanic under the bus to adjust it. He tightened it all the way and it wouldn't hold. I got another bus. Did the same routine. Everything was go.

It was 1:00. I asked the front desk to call the guy who was going to drive with me to the PennDot Licensing Center. He arrived at 1:15. I drove and we got there a half hour early. I sat inside and continued reviewing the book. My CDL licensed partner remained outside with the vehicle.

At 2:15 they called my name, checked my papers and told me to go outside with the vehicle. I pulled it up and parked it in the designated spot. The examiner came over shortly; my associate pulled out his wallet and muttered, "I hope this guy's not going to be a prick about my license".

I said, "What?"

He said, "They forgot to print the 'P' endorsement on my license, but it's there on the computer. They just didn't print it. Some kind of computer glitch. I never had any problem with it in two years, but I bet this guy's gonna be a prick".

They checked his license on the computer. No good. No test. Wow. Who's the prick? The next earliest date is March 21. I went from an emotional altitude of 30,000 feet to six feet under in 60 seconds flat. Yeah, I know this whole piece is loaded with mixed metaphors. Scrambled is more like it. Do you think I care?

What would YOU do?

The Sexi- Ladies of The Red Hat Society

2007-03-01T11:53:00.000-04:00

I had an encounter with the sexi- ladies of The Red Hat Society. I was having breakfast at the Trivet Diner on Tilghman St. near 309 when a dozen beautiful sexi-, septi- and octogenarians commanded everyones attention as they flamboyantly strolled and rolled in the door with bright red hats and purple outfits.

I interrupted my breakfast to sit in on their meeting for a while, took some photos and learned a few new things in the process, like how...it all started with a poem and a red hat.

"Sue Ellen Cooper gave a dear friend, Linda Murphy, a copy of the poem "[b]Warning[/b]" by British author Jenny Joseph and a bright red vintage fedora to celebrate Murphy's 55th birthday in November 1997.

"The Red Hat Society officially formed on April 25, 1998 when Sue Ellen Cooper and a group of five friends, known as The Founding Chapter of Fullerton, California, dressed in purple clothing and red hats and met for afternoon tea".

They are now nearly a million members strong in over 40,000 chapters worldwide. There are over 150 official chapters within 25 miles of Allentown. Besides wearing red hats, what do they do? The official answer is nothing! Their mission is simply to have fun and enjoy life.

Read the fateful poetic Warning below and learn more about The Red Hat Society here.

W A R N I N G
by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman,
I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops
and press alarm bells and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

I was impressed and inspired by the spectacle of these lovely women proudly and elegantly making their presence known. I was also humbled by the realization that, in spite of advanced age, physical infirmities and transportation problems on a snowy February morning with no greater mission but to have fun, a full dozen of the group came in full regalia, (outrageous red hats and purples clothes) to mix, mingle and socialize; to eat and drink together; to share ideas and information, to build camaraderie.

And they pay dues for the privilege.

It seems a lot of us are missing something here. I'm beginning to think maybe a lot more of use could use red hats and purple clothes. What do you think?

Photo by C. Cross Please Contact the BlogMaster for Custom Photos of YOUR event!

Bloody Reindeer Steak & Puffin Pie with a Serpent Blood Chaser

2007-02-10T01:25:00.000-04:00

On any given day I drive people coming and going to points all over the globe for vacations, cruises, sabbaticals, business trips, relocations, love connections and more. Often I learn intresting things about other cultures.

Do you like Chinese food? Then don’t go to rural China unless you like fish and rice, fish and rice and more fish and rice. What’s for breakfast? Fish and rice. Lunch? Fish and rice. Dinner? Yep.

Better to travel to beautiful Iceland. Here you can enjoy a dish of bloody reindeer steak and baked puffin pie. Frolic on the beaches where the sand is black (from volcanic ash). At Christmastime you'll be hard-pressed to find Santa. Instad, you'll find 13 mischievous trolls, the Yule Lads, who come down from the mountains to play nasty tricks on the children. Been naughty this year? You won’t get a lump of coal in your stocking. Instead, you’ll get a potato in your shoe. Same concept; different execution.

Travelers from Taiwan tell me about sitting together around a large table in a very expensive restaurant. Their host ordered a special seafood dish, explaining that it was a very rare dish which requires a highly skilled chef to carve and serve the fish.

The whole fish was arranged with spectacular garnish on a platter of crushed ice. Wielding his knife, the chef quickly and carefully sliced delicate filets, serving them to the guests around the table. My passenger lost his appetite when he saw the fish’s eyeballs moving and the tail wiggle. The mastery and skill of the chef, of course, is to keep the fish alive, as all the meat is carefully cut and served.

Even more interesting was the story of a businessman traveling to Shanghai, escorted by his host to a bustling street market. He was taken to a merchant who offered an assortment of live snakes hanging by their tails from a horizontal crosspiece at the vendor’s booth.

The customer is to select a snake. A tall glass is positioned under the chosen serpent. The snake is slit lengthwise. The lucky customer drinks the blood with gusto and a shout. After the elixir is downed, the custom is to look up to the second floor of the building behind the market and choose one of the prostitutes posing in the windows.

Somehow a six-pack and a video just doesn’t sound so exciting anymore.

I Love You Too, Wynton Marsalis

2007-02-07T02:52:00.001-04:00

One Saturday morning (a few years ago) my dispatcher called and asked me if I could ‘take some musician guy to Moravian College’. I recognized the name right away and did some research.

Wynton Marsalis is not just ‘some musician guy’, not even 'just a celebrity'. He is the first person to be awarded the Pulitzer Prize for a Jazz based work. According to Wikipedia, Wynton Marsalis "…is among the most prominent jazz musicians of the modern era, and a well-known instrumentalist in classical music. He is also the Musical Director of Jazz at Lincoln Center."

I’m very fortunate to have many outstanding passengers.

The Wiki report is all true from the public perspective. This report is from the perspective of a limo driver. Wynton Marsalis, as a passenger, was something else entirely; something altogether unique and one remarkable human being. In the few short hours that I had the privilege to work with him, he was a genuine pleasure and an inspiration—in a very smooth and quiet way.

Talk about an easy job! I was assigned to drive him from The Hotel Bethlehem to the Foy Concert Hall—about 500 yards away. There I was to wait during his rehearsal and return him to the hotel for dinner, then back again to the concert hall for the evening performance and once more to the hotel for the night.

Some things worked in his favor that were beyond his control, but I couldn't help but feel that it was his ABCs--his Aura, his Being, his Consciousness that made those things the way they were. Smooth was the word that came to mind again and again while working for him. Smooth in a graceful, elegant, relaxed kind of way. Everything surrounding him was perfect and smooth, nothing harried and hectic, as you might expect from a traveling musician dealing with time, traffic, soundmen, lighting engineers and dozens of other variables and contingencies. I wasn't in the company of a 'celebrity', I was in the presence of a great person.

I had a black Lincoln stretch limousine. I was working with another driver who had a cargo van for crew and equipment. I announced my presence to the hotel desk clerk. Should Mr. Marsalis inquire about the whereabouts of his driver I wanted to be sure he knew I was there and waiting.

An autograph collector was poised outside the hotel where I stood in position with my fellow driver. Other photographers, fans and curiosity seekers were on hand and made a small crowd. We were all waiting to glimpse the imminent arrival of the Jazzman.

The autograph hunter and I chatted. He was just a hobbyist, but a serious one. He had been collecting autographs for decades. He scouts the papers for shows, concerts and performances. He wakes up early, travels wherever he has to and stalks his prey, waiting to pounce. He insisted it’s strictly a personal hobby. He had collected hundreds, possibly thousands of autographs over the years. Before he arrived today, he bought a few Marsalis CDs and was equipped with a pocketful of brand new Sharpies.

Finally Wynton arrived with crew. Embarrassed, I couldn’t recognize him among the entourage. I like music, but I wouldn’t know the difference between Emerson, Lake or Palmer. Ralph Waldo Emerson, Rikki Lake or Robert Palmer, sure. You get my meaning.

Eventually Wynton was directed to my vehicle, I held the door for him, offered a brief greeting and kept my mouth shut; the professional thing to do. He replied in kind and started blowing notes through his pursed lips, tossing his head and waving his hands, quickly getting lost in his music. I drove as slowly as I possibly could, out of the driveway onto the street down a short hill, into another driveway then up to the back door of the concert hall. Five minutes, tops.

I opened his door, he thanked me and asked if I would be waiting for him. He explained that he was running late because of traffic, he had to get back to the hotel to change and eat dinner before the show and would like me to be there when he was finished with the rehearsal. I assured him I would be.

I turned the car around now facing the exit. I don’t like to back up with passengers in the car. It’s like gassing up with passengers in the vehicle, sometimes necessary, but generally unprofessional.

Showtime was 7:30. It was getting late. He didn't come out of rehearsal until around 6:30. He calmly got in the car, made a bit of small talk as I drove him back to the hotel. With ten minutes before show time he came back out in one fine suit; jacket tossed over his shoulder; collar and cuffs still unbuttoned, smelling fresh of cologne and after shave.

As he buttoned up and fixed his tie he asked, “Are you going to see the show?”

“I would love to”, I answered honestly, “but I’m supposed to stay outside with the vehicle”, I lied. The show was sold out months in advance and I knew nothing about it until I was called to drive him the day before.

“I’ll have security keep a close eye on the car. I’d like you to enjoy the show”, he said. “Tell the other driver to join you, just come to the back door and tell security that I have seats for you”.

Wow! We were both excited. Not only did we get to enjoy the show, but we were special guests of Wynton Marsalis at a sold-out concert! We were led to excellent seats in the second balcony, out of the public area, reserved for backstage workers and crew.

The concert was nothing short of delightful, and included selections from his CD, “The Magic Hour”, which had been recently released on Blue Note Records. His mastery of the instrument was readily apparent, as he coaxed amazing sounds from his horn including chickens and locomotives. What was most amazing to me, however, was his minimalist performance style.

I don’t know if this is his normal routine, but for that show it seemed to me that he wasn’t taking any chances on overexposure. He didn’t provide the main course, but the seasoning and spice for every dish. He didn’t deliver the text of the message, but the punctuation. The band would play and Wynton would stand near-motionless, trumpet at his side like soldier with his rifle. The band was playing on and on while Wynton stood silently, then suddenly on cue he lifted his horn to his lips and blew a few precision riffs that made the crowd roar. Then it was back to attention as the band played on and he patiently waited for his next cue.

It went on like this for much of the show with a few exceptions. It was very impressive to see that he didn’t have to grab the stage, steal the spotlight, or dominate the show. He didn't milk the audience. He wasn't schmoozy and schmaltzy. But when he did what he did the audience rose to their feet in adulation.

On the short ride back to the hotel, he was clearly pleased with the way things went. He asked me how I liked the show. I told him how grateful I was for his hospitality, how much I enjoyed the music and how I was impressed with his style. I showed him a program I had found and asked if he would mind giving me his autograph. I wouldn’t have thought of that had it not been for my earlier meeting with the autograph collector.

As you can see, he autographed it with my name, "Chris", turned the 'C' into a heart, included the word "Love" in the graphic, then inked his name, "Wynton Marsalis". He handed it to me and we thanked each other. As he left the limo and walked to the hotel, one of his crew approached my car, tapped on the glass and handed me a $50 bill. “Mr. Marsalis would like you to have this. He took care of the other driver, too”.

Wynton, wherever you are, I love you, too! You are one class act!

Eating Out - Yong Hoe

2007-01-31T04:35:00.000-04:00

I don't make this stuff up. Yong Hoe is a real Chinese restaurant on Cedar Crest Boulevard at Walbert Avenue in Allentown, PA.

Isn't this the place where you can get Hot Cream of Sum Yong Gai? So hustle your muscle and get your stable together. Fire up the pimpmobile and get into some tasty PuPu at Yong Hoe. Send me a review. Don't make me do everything myself!

With a Name Like Yong Hoe--It Has To Be Good!

99 Reasons to Sell Your Car and Hire a Driver

2007-01-31T04:09:00.000-04:00

Brandy, Lindsay,Paris and hundreds more DUI Celebs. I quit keeping count.
Week after week, month after month, some celebrity star, VIP or athlete gets into an accident or picked up for DUI. I used to monitor and post them as they happened, but it’s an overwhelming job. I soon realized that I’d need a full-time secretary just to keep up with the celebrity DUIs.

The irony is that these millionaires can snap their fingers and have someone drive for them anytime of the day or night. But they gotta have the personal thrill (?) of driving a car in traffic!

Somehow that reminds me of the Michael Jackson interview where he whined that he wished he could go shopping in a grocery store like normal people. Give me a break, Michael! Grocery shopping is NOT such a big thrill! Be glad you don’t have to do it. And driving a car just happens to be a matter of life and death. Maybe that’s what makes it such a rush.

It’s too late for Brandy. Of course, she’ll spend millions on a powerful legal team, strike a deal and do a lot of community service. Then she’ll cut a new CD. Maybe it’s time to crossover into Gospel? She’ll launch a new tour, a new clothing line and a fragrance and make twice as much money. That’s celebrity justice.

But it won’t be like that for you. And it’s not to late for you. Start by selling your car! You will save so much time, money, and aggravation you’ll be able to hire your own personal chauffeur! The Bling is da thing!

Just think of all the wonderful blessings your automobile ownership currently brings you:

Air conditioner recharges
anxiety
attorneys
auto accessories
auto clubs
back seat drivers
batteries
blinding headlights
blow-outs
bottle-necks
bumper-to-bumper traffic
carbon monoxide fumes
car-jackers
car salesmen
car washes
CAT funds
claims adjusters
construction delays
cracked hoses
depreciation
detailing
dings and dents
drowsy, drugged and drunk drivers
DUI arrest
emergency repairs
fender-benders
finance charges
flat tires
gaper delays
garaging
gas prices
greenhouse gases
haggling
high blood pressure
inspection stickers
insurance premiums
interest rates
jump starts
leaky transmissions
left turns
licensing fees
loan payments
lock-outs
merge lanes
Mideast oil wars
moving violations
multi-car-collisions
notaries
oil changes
overheated engines
paint jobs
parking lots
parking meters
parking tickets
polishing
radar detectors
registration
risk and liability
road rage
routine maintenance
rubber-neckers
rush-hour traffic
rust-proofing
scenting
scraping ice off windshields
serious bodily injury
shock absorbers
shoveling & digging out
slow-downs
slow-leaks
snow tires
sobriety checkpoints
speeding tickets
speed traps
steel-belted radial tires
sticker shock
stress
Sunday drivers
tags
tailgaters
taxes
titles
toll roads
tow trucks
tractor-trailers
trade-in allowance
traffic jams
transfers
tune-ups
uninsured motorists
U-turns
vacuuming
vehicular manslaughter
washer fluid
washing
waxing
windshield repair
worn, broken and slipping belts
wrong turns

These are just a few that come to mind. I’m sure anyone could easily double the list. I could also produce an equal list of positive benefits to be gained from selling your car and hiring a professional driver.

Give a driver a job! Help the economy, help the environment, save a life, take it easy and put a driver to work!

Stop! Don't Stop!

2007-01-29T23:04:00.000-04:00

You'll find this gem in Philadelphia behind The Cave Nightclub on Delaware Avenue. The sign is at the corner of N. Beach and Fairmount. Of course it makes perfect sense...

So Who's Counting?

2007-01-29T04:09:00.000-04:00

This is a real sign in JFK International Airport, Terminal One. It's posted outside the restrooms on the ground floor of the left wing of the building (as you are facing it).

I can imagine the announcement coming over the loudspeaker:

"May we have your attention please! Will everyone please stand still while we take a headcount? We have reason to believe there may be 3188 persons in the building. We repeat..."

Always let your limo driver open your door!

2007-01-26T17:23:00.000-04:00

Whether it's formal or casual you should always let your chauffeur open and close the limo doors for you. There are a number of reasons for this, which may not be readily apparent to the occasional limo user. I'll cover these directly.

Whether you're going to an airport, a GodSmack concert, the Executive Mansion, a swingers party, a convention at the Four Seasons, a wedding, a funeral (especially your own!), a 21st birthday party, a strip club, a Broadway show, a casino or Goth clubbing in the city you should always let your chauffeur open and close the doors for you!

Whether you're dressed in a tux or gown, business casual, or ripped jeans with chains and extreme body mods you should always let your chauffeur open and close the doors for you! Sometimes I feel like clicking the little remote and locking the doors until I get all the way to the back of the limo. Sometime I want to say, "Get your fingers off the handle!" Sometimes I do!

When I say 'always' I mean 'almost always'. There are a few exceptions. We'll cover those, too. Now let's get to the point.

We'll start by asking why people who hire limos want to open and close their own doors. OK, then. "Why do people who hire limos want to open and close their own doors?" As with anything else in this world, there are several reasons.

Some people think they're too important, too powerful or too manly to let someone open their doors for them.
Some people don't want to act pretentiously.

They live ordinary working-class lives and simply feel awkward letting someone open and close their door for them. Sometimes they feel awkward just riding in a limo! I have a regular passenger who insist that I park the limo around back when he goes into business meetings at various restaurants.

Some people think the driver will expect a larger gratuity at the end of the event if they allow him to open and close their doors.

Some passengers seem almost frantic to open and close their own doors before the driver has a chance to do it, it almost becomes a race. Sometimes they break fingernails and stumble over curbs in the process.

Some people simply don't know that it is customary for a chauffeur to open and close their door. It's part of the job description.

Hauling and carting luggage is something else again, which we shall discuss in a future post.

All of these things indicate what I like to refer to as a 'Lackey Mentality'. It shows a lack of self esteem, lack of dignity, lack of money, lack of generosity, lack of class or lack of experience. Actually it all stems from Lack of Information and that is easily remedied by the answers listed here below.

Aren't you lucky that you found this information! Next time you travel in a limo (and I suspect it will be sooner rather than later, or you probably wouldn't be reading this) you'll carry yourself with the simple elegance, dignity and bearing of an experienced limousine traveler, without artifice or pretension. You're in the know.

Read below for the correct answers. What was the question again? Oh, yes! Why should you let your chauffeur open and close your doors?

First and most important, It's the chauffeur's job to open and close your doors.

No additional tip is required. You don't offer an extra tip because he stopped at all the red lights, do you? Any chauffeur who implies or demands that an extra gratuity is expected or required for opening and closing your doors should be reported to the company he or she works for.

It allows the chauffeur to do his job and to exercise his responsibility to make sure all doors are properly secured. We don't want to go driving down the road only to find the door flapping in the breeze with hysterical passengers screaming and struggling, half-out of the car trying to wrest the damned door shut. Not very dignified.

Often when passengers insist on closing their own doors, I drive away only to see a little red light on my instrument panel flashing Door Ajar. When one little door is ajar, none of them will lock. Then I have to stop the car, get out, walk past my passengers, wipe that smug look off my face and close the doors properly.

It allows the chauffeur to safely guide you in and out of the vehicle.

Getting in and out isn't always as elementary as one might expect. Limo passengers are often drinking; often wearing dresses and heels; often stooping to get in and out of the limo.
It may be dark and unfamiliar terrain; there are unexpected curbs, sewer grates, puddles and steps, overgrown tree roots and limbs.
Inside the controlled environment of the limo, party goers somehow become oblivious to the physical realities of life outside the car until a speeding Greyhound rips the door off the hinges when a door has been opened without proper caution.
All of this is doubly critical if you've been drinking. Let your chauffeur watch for traffic, open your door, take your hand and guide you to safety.
Even under a hotel canopy, you should let the driver or the hotel doorman open your door. You did hire a limo after all.

It allows the chauffeur to make sure your gown, your purse or your coat isn't dangling outside the door.

Who are you going to blame when your Fendi, Prada, Coach or Louis V is damaged beyond repair?

It helps you avoid a broken fingernail.

This may sound trite, but it can be painful enough to ruin your whole occasion. And unfamiliar door handles are not always user friendly or intuitive.

I also hold the door firmly open while my passengers are entering and exiting. This prevents crushed fingers from slammed doors. It also prevents drunks who think it's funny or a sign of affection to slam the door shut on people who are neither in nor out of the vehicle. You wouldn't believe how many times that terroristic threat has been foiled under the watchful eye of my Department of Limoland Security.

Now for the exceptions. Your driver may be willing, but you may or may not want him to provide door service when

you stop for the third time at McDonald's to use the bathroom, or
at Walgreens to buy cigarettes and gum, or
at the liquor store for Goldschlager, Rumpleminz and a case of Coors Extra Gold.
you're late for the start of the show; traffic is intense and limos and taxis are double-parked three-deep in front of the venue.

In cases like these, you might just tell your driver, "Don't get out. We're ok". Just don't trip--or break a nail.

Well, now you know! In future editions we'll cover more limo-related niceties, such as

why are there so many limos out there anyway?
crazy/sexy/cool limo party ideas
tips for booking your limo
how and why to inspect your limo
how and why to inspect your driver
what to expect from your driver
pain-free elegant ways to tip your driver
how to save money on your limo
how to make money on your limo
how to get the best limo in the fleet
how to get a free limo
how to get free advertising for your company from your limo company
ideas for creating a memorable occasion
ideas for a romantic interlude
easy ways to collect money from your friends to help pay for the event
sex in the limo (true stories!)
proper puking etiquette
what you can and can't get away with in a limo
the truth about drinking and drugs in a limo
wacky ideas for limo parties and trips
not just for grownups anymore - kids limo parties
celebrity gossip, celebrity DUIs
tips for sightseeing
when to skip the limo and just get a hotel room
unusual requests & more.

More? Things such as why does this writer continually use the masculine pronoun to refer to limo drivers? Find out later, or if you simply can't wait, send me an email!

Please contact me with your questions, limo photos, ideas, advertising dollars and cash contributions. Contact me if you're planning a big night out or other special occasion.

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Respectfully,
Xi Quanta (Chris)
Your Limo Driver